Living in the Now is very hard when you have a sick kid.
I was just having an email exchange with my friend Dayla whose son Fyn was diagnosed with cancer last year. He is doing well, thank goodness. But, just like seizures, cancer can come back. And that's what we two moms were discussing.
You worry constantly about what will be. What could happen.
I had a rough night last night. Aaron was gone. Soren had had those bad seizures.
I wondered if I should have Soren sleep with me. I know many parents of kids with seizures who always sleep with their kids. I respect that. But I don't do that. I need to sleep. Soren needs to sleep. And while I could be there for a seizure, I can't stop it. I'm sure some parents think I'm awful. But I need to be there for Soren, Moira, Aaron, and myself in the morning. That won't work with a lack of sleep.
So I let Soren sleep. I slept reasonably well, considering. And in the morning, while I was still tense, Soren was quite well rested and went to school without incident.
I felt like I was on call all day. I feared a call from school. And while this was mildly nerve-wracking, it made me appreciate the day a little more.
I appreciated the now. What I had. I met with a friend. I worked on one of my scripts. I had lunch celebrating a former co-worker's birthday. And I never got a phone call telling me to pick Soren up. My kids got home. We did homework, I bathed them, fed them, put them to bed. It was nice.
It's so hard with a sick child to appreciate when things are going well. A good CAT scan. No seizures for a day. But, as with anyone, you have to because if you focus on the negative--and we all have negative out there that can consume us--you'll go nuts.
My goal each day is not to go nuts. I'm sure it's a goal many of you have as well.